Assalamualaikum...
These days, I blog when I have and make the time or I can't contain what I had in mind with writing cause I type faster. Today, I decided to open this dusty page and actually draft something to let some things out.
That's right. I have delivered a baby. A baby boy we decided to call Nur Ihsan on 20th April 2019, Saturday at 7.35 pm.
We knew about him back in November last year. We weren't really expecting anything, although we were on 'trying' cycle. So, it was a pleasant surprise. It was a good ending to my crazy productive (yet stressful, there it is... finally. Admitting that was a relief. Stressful is such a negative word, but it is what it is) year. It actually continued in January, February, March and then came April... Days when I had to sleep late at night or wake up super early for the slides, perfecting excel models, etc. goes on, not as frequent but these days still happened. I kept on saying strong women does these things - the extra things ie. staying up late, keeping busy with work even during weekends, while trying to balance it out with hanging out with family, taking days off (not that many cause I was optimising annual leave with public holidays COZ of the mindset of who take leaves?!)
OMG, now that I'm putting these down ~ I wasn't crazy busy - I think, my priorities were OFF!
I don't physically have my Nur Ihsan now... (tears)
We lost him in my womb on his 27 weeks 5 days.
I was warded for my unusually high blood pressure (I was already taking medication upon visiting the gynaecologist to confirm my pregnancy) However, my condition wasn't induced by the pregnancy. It was already there, existing. While I was busy trying to keeping fit in 2017 - I struggled in this field in 2018. My BP was NOT properly managed before the pregnancy and I'm no longer 32 (when I had Nur Amni) Thus, whatever we were doing to keep the BP not-crazy wasn't really working...
My body and his couldn't cope with handling the 'new' medication regime and keeping him healthy. He was with me, for a week in the hospital before he leaves :'( He was 794 g at birth... (At that week, usually baby is 900 g -according to the baby growth tracker apps)
I went through birthing experience, induced with 5 tablets and 1 painkiller shot, 6 hours later my water broke and we were ready to bring him out. One more shot and a few breath of laughing gas, pushing - he's out. So small, so quiet - my little angel. Had a few minutes of checking his condition, struggling to control my emotion but I was somewhat strong at the time (maybe the laughing gas, sedation)
Alhamdulillah, the process of birthing and putting him at rest at Raudatul Sakinah were made ease. Zukry and I had our moments... He saw me crying, I saw him crying and of course, us both crying. He was clever, putting it as this (the whole experience) was the rezeki given upon us. People keep on telling that Nur Ihsan is now in Syurga, he'll wait for us. Earlier, I cried at the idea of what made me deserving of such rezeki? Now, thinking that Nur Ihsan at a MUCH better place --- that's a motivation to make the family reunion at Heaven's gate a reality, insyaAllah.
So, here I am postpartum day 13 at Mak's place. Trying very hard to occupy myself with books, preparation for Ramadan, having Acik Rose to help me with PP body recovery, prepare and have pantang food, focusing on taking my BP medication on time and hopefully finish the online course I subscribed a few weeks back (before I was hospitalised)
My dear Hartini, don't sweat the small stuffs. Rezeki dunia semua dari Allah. Find your balance, hit that pause button when it gets crazy and don't be ashamed to ask help from Allah... He will HELP, you have to ask!
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