Moving On with Life

Photo by rafael albornoz on Unsplash

I really should NOT feel guilty about making the most of my maternity leave with productive things that were not just focused on muhasabah over the loss of my baby... No doubt Spiritual is one of the aspect I need to make better and it is one of my Core Values too, but spiritual things ONLY - does not seems right... Any other than this, is a dishonour to my baby - How crazy is that?  

I was naive in the very beginning. Still thinking over "What would others think about me?" if I have fun, I laugh, I sing songs, POP song, I do my hair, make my face, bottomline... every time I try to BE HAPPY, I shouldn't because I just loss a baby. #CRAYZEEEE

I was worried over things at the office, of how I left abruptly on Friday afternoon thinking I'd be in the office cleaning up the many tasks on Monday onwards... How I should be looking at what awaits in my emails and my office laptop - how I didn't bring back the charger thinking it was just the usual weekend upon me 3 weeks back...

I think, I took the the time to decide - I really should do things that I want to do and not worry about what other people thinks! Thing is, THEY DON'T CARE! REALLY! I was the one who are still overthinking things!!! OMG, think and thing. Hehehehe... 

I have decided a lot of activities that I can do post delivery, what I want to do and CAN DO with my free time. I know for sure I have to start and finish the online course I subscribed before the hospitalisation. And, one of the hikmah from this experience is also that I get the Ramadan 30 days, free from work at the office... I feel like I have made doa for this, to be able to embrace the month without obligation to work or taking off-days. So, I really should ensure that I don't WASTE this opportunity! I have to also make time and complete the tagging for my tafsir and have more time with the Quran... Tag, Read, Tadabbur, etc. I went to Ayesha's Quran Tagging class on 1st September 2018, it's been over 6 months and it's still incomplete. What a shame...

What else? So in a gist:-

• #AAConsistencyClass
• Ramadan without Work (must break this down!)
• Quran Tagging with Hartini

See how ambitious of me trying to be better? 

This is also the best time to start better habits and stick with them! I have listed some of them in the Grey Book, I got to narrow them down, implement and ace them!

Anyway, back to moving on. Another point I like about Zukry's caption on this whole experience he bravely put on his instagram is that, this is not the time to RESET. We had to hit the PAUSE button but it's rebuilding when we hit the PLAY button. Not resetting, not erasing anything... So, no case of dishonouring anything here! 

Today, marked the 5th day of having Acik Rose. She's my Confinement Lady. Of course I already booked her for July (when I was supposed to deliver...) but she obliged to the unexpected change. I was her 3rd customer from yesterday on and her 2nd from Mon-Wed. She told me that she saw changed to my body, she could feel that I'm feeling better - in her words, rasa ringan; to which I'm agreeing with. I no longer looked like a balloon ready to pop, my hands and legs/feet no longer looked like they're going to burst anytime... 

I look and feel like I'm much better. It's just... I have no baby to attend to. But it's OK, he's in MUCH BETTER PLACE. Apalah sangat dunia ni... Allah loan him to us for a while, he's not mine to keep and it's OK.