Handbag or iPad 7.0?

First, I got myself an iPad.

Then, I’m going to get one or two handbags depending on my mood. JK

But, definitely am saving up for a trip somewhere really cold! Brace yourself!

Happy Raya 1440

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!

10 Syawal, and I'm still eating like it's the first day of Raya. OMG. Feeling guilty but still can't really tune to the new routine of a part-time Full Time Housewife (obviously while I'm still on maternity-leave-without-a-baby)

Anyway, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. My blood pressure reading is not as good as when I was fasting, which was weird but I guess, expected with all the food I devoured during buka puasa and Raya...

Raya was fun, we travelled to Kuala Lipis and Batu Pahat. 

The End (Almost) of Ramadhan 1440

Assalamualaikum... 

Today is day 26 of Ramadhan, the last Friday of Ramadhan 1440. 

This last week of Ramadhan is my 6th week postpartum, which means my pantang period has completed (2 weeks ago, if we are counting the 30-days only) Alhamdulillah, I'm OK. Better, in fact. 

The Dostinex I took to suppress milk is also working considering I'm bleeding again. This time, it's my menstruation... So, I hope this cycle will continue. I have an appointment with Dr. Tan to check my prolactin level in 2 weeks time, so this is what she would want to hear too.

However, with this (menses) - that means, I'm not fasting. I was doing well Quran reciting wise... Almost finishing, but not quite. Never mind, this will continue insyaAllah until I khatam. Skettt je lagi! You can do this!

I finished reading another book today "The Art of Letting God" - a reminder that we are nothing but servants of Allah. We feel sad, frustration, anger --- but the respond to these feelings is what truly matters. I have a few more books waiting... I was in between a few books to keep my momentum up. Sometimes, I do re-read some pages after I've left the book out of wanting something new (I read too slow, I guess)

We are also moving back to our place, tonight. 2 weeks at the hospital and 6 weeks at my parents - I miss having my own place. The mini-family working within our private space.

I also finally went to KLCC today. For one reason, that is to change duit-raya. I bumped into Liyana while paying our season parking at the machine. That was a good surprise... 

Off to fetch Amni. Ohhh, she's leaving Pre-Raudhah for Raudhah after Raya! My big girl... (kejap big, kejap little - mana satu Mommy ni! Hehehe)

My Little Kakak

Assalamualaikum... Week 2 of Ramadhan, how's yours progressing so far? 😊

We have somewhat adapt with our situation moving in with my parents temporarily while in my confinement. We should be out by the end of Week 3 Ramadhan insyaAllah... That means, I would have concluded my confinement - with that also I hope I'm in much better place. Spiritually, emotionally and physically.

My little Kakak, Nur Amni - has also been enjoying her time here. She will wake up at the usual time - 7ish in the morning, take a bath (after much persuasions and depending on her mood, it ranges between a princess-y dress, a chocolate spread sandwich, a chocolate drink, a ponytail like Princess Else of Frozen, etc.) and off she went to school with Abah. Zukry has to drive her back to our place and then, to the office.

She will then be fetched (on most days, since we arrived) by TokMak. TokMak will usually attend her evening class, pick up Naira on the way to Amni's play school. So, Amni will then 'teman' Naira until her Maksu arrived from work... Then, it's dinner time, a mixed of play, read and gaduh time with Noh before it's time to hit the sack...

😅

We have explained to her that Mommy now is without a baby in her tummy, but she stills think I am with one. She refuses to answer to thequestion of 'Where is Adik?' - I myself, don't have the strength to ask her that question... However, she is well into the Kakak character. Her soft calling for Naira every time her cousin is around, how she wants to play with Naylaa (second cousin) when she came by... and when she attended her Sports Day with TokMak and PakLong on the day Mommy was induced to delivery! She won her sukaneka, "Number One" showing off her prize! 

My good girl, Nur Amni...

Self-Care Semasa Berpantang

Photo by Anthony Mendoza on Unsplash

I'm on a roll here. I've been blogging for almost daily. Hehehe...

Anyway, I just had this idea of putting things down - I don't want to forget. 

About the subject - I was somewhat taking it easy during my pantang mode post delivering my sweet angel. Earlier even before I was back home in Ampang, I already decided I'm gonna have a 30 days of pantang. 20 April + 30 days, ahhhh - you do the math. Hehehe! Instead of 44 days per Nur Amni.

I'm gonna be doing the socks thing throughout but not the kain-batik thing. My jersey cotton skirts were my best friends during my days in the ward and soon after at home. Since there was no episiotomy this time, wearing these skirts were actually a breeze. Also, since I'm not breastfeeding - a usual T-shirt is fine for my daily get-ups.

Speaking of breastfeeding, it was one of my biggest worry. Before I left the hospital, doctor prescribed me with Dostinex (I've mentioned about this before, Dostinex will lower down my prolactin to get back my period) to suppressed the milk from coming out. So with that and the cabbage trick shared by the nurses - Alhamdulillah, I don't have a problem with accidental lactation. After about 6 days, I was back in my pre-pregnancy bra :) (sorry if this is TMI. Heh!)

This also means, I don't have problem with my hair falling too. Yippee!

I ate like my pre-pregnancy meal but I was and still am very careful with portion. I put up with a lot of ulam, sup sayur, bayam rebus and grilled mackerel for days! I don't really choose my food - I just make sure they're healthy portioned, cooked through. I had eggs (but not many), the usual chicken - especially when there's no ayam kampung in the freezer and I was already tired of mackerel. This Ramadhan time especially, we have pretty good spread of food - I had them but I don't indulge.

I'm trying to get more active too. So far, I have been hitting the Move target daily - somewhat the same with my daily life at the office! But I want to do better, just that with this thing - I have to take it easy... Angkat2 barang berat pun tak boleh sebenarnya. I need all 6 weeks minimum to heal. Especially the inside (not just emotionally, but physically inside)

Before Acik Rose start the urut and tungku, I took care of myself. Alhamdulillah, without so much pain (down under) I managed. My bath was especially long... After urut and tungku, I had a day of really heavy bleeding - a big clot came out too! Yikes! I was afraid but also assured that it was normal (Dr. Tan brief me about these clots before we leave the hospital) On day 5, I felt so much lighter. My bloating problem was gone too.

Anyway... I think I did OK postpartum. We are closing week 3, I miss being pregnant - I had my moments of feeling sorry and guilty still but --- Allah Maha Mengetahui. Time will heal, insyaAllah...

The Beginning of Ramadhan 1440

Salam Ramadhan everyone. Today is day 4 of Ramadhan!

Unfortunately, I'm in my (hopefully) last week of bleeding. It comes and goes, these few days. I was really looking forward to fasting and focusing my energy into bettering my solat and improving my Quran reading so that I can finish it - the plan is to start where I left it before (I have a log all my Quran readings on my iPhone notes. Hehehe)

So far, I've been continuing my #AAConsistencyClass, I just begin with Module 2 but I'm progressing insyaAllah. The Quran Tagging project is progressing well too. I finished one topic on 'Pengharapan' (blue tag) and I finished the pink sticky note that was meant for the topic on 'Doa'. I also missed half of the tag stickers at home, I must remember where I put them because they're not together when Zukry took it. Hmmmm.... 

I also found a youtube clip on SarangCraftbyAbby creating the Quran sleeve in a show called Assalamualaikum! It's soooo easy! Can't wait to sew mine soon - have to use Ampang's sewing machine cause I sold mine last year as they were collecting dust rather than completing any sewing projects!

So far, that's how I spend my Ramadhan besides helping out with chores at home. Uuuuu, my bonus project which was reupholstering the sofa set here in Ampang! Found one company that was active in Instagram, communicate on arrangements - they took them away a month ago. Yesterday, the newly improved sofa set arrived - all repaired, in fabric and looking like new! 

Yeay, Alhamdulillah #Feelingaccomplished 

Moving On with Life

Photo by rafael albornoz on Unsplash

I really should NOT feel guilty about making the most of my maternity leave with productive things that were not just focused on muhasabah over the loss of my baby... No doubt Spiritual is one of the aspect I need to make better and it is one of my Core Values too, but spiritual things ONLY - does not seems right... Any other than this, is a dishonour to my baby - How crazy is that?  

I was naive in the very beginning. Still thinking over "What would others think about me?" if I have fun, I laugh, I sing songs, POP song, I do my hair, make my face, bottomline... every time I try to BE HAPPY, I shouldn't because I just loss a baby. #CRAYZEEEE

I was worried over things at the office, of how I left abruptly on Friday afternoon thinking I'd be in the office cleaning up the many tasks on Monday onwards... How I should be looking at what awaits in my emails and my office laptop - how I didn't bring back the charger thinking it was just the usual weekend upon me 3 weeks back...

I think, I took the the time to decide - I really should do things that I want to do and not worry about what other people thinks! Thing is, THEY DON'T CARE! REALLY! I was the one who are still overthinking things!!! OMG, think and thing. Hehehehe... 

I have decided a lot of activities that I can do post delivery, what I want to do and CAN DO with my free time. I know for sure I have to start and finish the online course I subscribed before the hospitalisation. And, one of the hikmah from this experience is also that I get the Ramadan 30 days, free from work at the office... I feel like I have made doa for this, to be able to embrace the month without obligation to work or taking off-days. So, I really should ensure that I don't WASTE this opportunity! I have to also make time and complete the tagging for my tafsir and have more time with the Quran... Tag, Read, Tadabbur, etc. I went to Ayesha's Quran Tagging class on 1st September 2018, it's been over 6 months and it's still incomplete. What a shame...

What else? So in a gist:-

• #AAConsistencyClass
• Ramadan without Work (must break this down!)
• Quran Tagging with Hartini

See how ambitious of me trying to be better? 

This is also the best time to start better habits and stick with them! I have listed some of them in the Grey Book, I got to narrow them down, implement and ace them!

Anyway, back to moving on. Another point I like about Zukry's caption on this whole experience he bravely put on his instagram is that, this is not the time to RESET. We had to hit the PAUSE button but it's rebuilding when we hit the PLAY button. Not resetting, not erasing anything... So, no case of dishonouring anything here! 

Today, marked the 5th day of having Acik Rose. She's my Confinement Lady. Of course I already booked her for July (when I was supposed to deliver...) but she obliged to the unexpected change. I was her 3rd customer from yesterday on and her 2nd from Mon-Wed. She told me that she saw changed to my body, she could feel that I'm feeling better - in her words, rasa ringan; to which I'm agreeing with. I no longer looked like a balloon ready to pop, my hands and legs/feet no longer looked like they're going to burst anytime... 

I look and feel like I'm much better. It's just... I have no baby to attend to. But it's OK, he's in MUCH BETTER PLACE. Apalah sangat dunia ni... Allah loan him to us for a while, he's not mine to keep and it's OK.

Postpartum Without Nur Ihsan

Photo by Hisu lee on Unsplash

Assalamualaikum...

These days, I blog when I have and make the time or I can't contain what I had in mind with writing cause I type faster. Today, I decided to open this dusty page and actually draft something to let some things out. 

That's right. I have delivered a baby. A baby boy we decided to call Nur Ihsan on 20th April 2019, Saturday at 7.35 pm. 

We knew about him back in November last year. We weren't really expecting anything, although we were on 'trying' cycle. So, it was a pleasant surprise. It was a good ending to my crazy productive (yet stressful, there it is... finally. Admitting that was a relief. Stressful is such a negative word, but it is what it is) year. It actually continued in January, February, March and then came April... Days when I had to sleep late at night or wake up super early for the slides, perfecting excel models, etc. goes on, not as frequent but these days still happened. I kept on saying strong women does these things - the extra things ie. staying up late, keeping busy with work even during weekends, while trying to balance it out with hanging out with family, taking days off (not that many cause I was optimising annual leave with public holidays COZ of the mindset of who take leaves?!) 

OMG, now that I'm putting these down ~ I wasn't crazy busy - I think, my priorities were OFF!

I don't physically have my Nur Ihsan now... (tears)

We lost him in my womb on his 27 weeks 5 days. 

I was warded for my unusually high blood pressure (I was already taking medication upon visiting the gynaecologist to confirm my pregnancy) However, my condition wasn't induced by the pregnancy. It was already there, existing. While I was busy trying to keeping fit in 2017 - I struggled in this field in 2018. My BP was NOT properly managed before the pregnancy and I'm no longer 32 (when I had Nur Amni) Thus, whatever we were doing to keep the BP not-crazy wasn't really working...

My body and his couldn't cope with handling the 'new' medication regime and keeping him healthy. He was with me, for a week in the hospital before he leaves :'( He was 794 g at birth... (At that week, usually baby is 900 g -according to the baby growth tracker apps) 

I went through birthing experience, induced with 5 tablets and 1 painkiller shot, 6 hours later my water broke and we were ready to bring him out. One more shot and a few breath of laughing gas, pushing - he's out. So small, so quiet - my little angel. Had a few minutes of checking his condition, struggling to control my emotion but I was somewhat strong at the time (maybe the laughing gas, sedation)

Alhamdulillah, the process of birthing and putting him at rest at Raudatul Sakinah were made ease. Zukry and I had our moments... He saw me crying, I saw him crying and of course, us both crying. He was clever, putting it as this (the whole experience) was the rezeki given upon us. People keep on telling that Nur Ihsan is now in Syurga, he'll wait for us. Earlier, I cried at the idea of what made me deserving of such rezeki? Now, thinking that Nur Ihsan at a MUCH better place --- that's a motivation to make the family reunion at Heaven's gate a reality, insyaAllah.

So, here I am postpartum day 13 at Mak's place. Trying very hard to occupy myself with books, preparation for Ramadan, having Acik Rose to help me with PP body recovery, prepare and have pantang food, focusing on taking my BP medication on time and hopefully finish the online course I subscribed a few weeks back (before I was hospitalised)

My dear Hartini, don't sweat the small stuffs. Rezeki dunia semua dari Allah. Find your balance, hit that pause button when it gets crazy and don't be ashamed to ask help from Allah... He will HELP, you have to ask!